There are moments in parenting that stop you in your tracks.
Not because your child did something shocking.
But because you suddenly realize something new.
Recently, my son came to me nervously. Fidgety. Restless. He asked if he could go back outside — even though we had just spent hours outside cleaning up after a snowstorm.
Everything was already inside.
I looked at him and gently asked,
“Do you want to go outside to do something you shouldn’t?”
He paused.
Then he said yes.
Not definitely.
Not proudly.
Relieved.
And embarrassed.
That was the moment I realized something important:
He wasn’t trying to be inappropriate.
He was feeling something build — and didn’t know what to do with it.
If you’re parenting a child with Autism and ADHD through puberty, this may sound familiar.
And if it does, I want you to breathe.
You are not alone.
Puberty in a Neurodivergent Brain
Puberty is intense for every child.
Now add:
- Autism (social boundary delays)
- ADHD (impulse control challenges)
- Sensory processing differences
- Hormonal surges
What you often get is a brain that feels urges louder than it feels “stop.”
Many neurodivergent kids:
- Understand rules cognitively
- Know right from wrong.
- Feel remorse afterward
- But struggle to pause in the moment.
This is not a character issue.
It is an executive function lag under hormonal pressure.
The “go” system becomes louder.
The “pause” system hasn’t fully matured yet.
And puberty widens that gap.
When Sexualized or Impulsive Behavior Escalates
Some parents begin noticing:
- Increased fidgeting or restlessness
- Requests to isolate or “go somewhere” suddenly
- More boundary confusion
- Sexualized comments or behaviors
- Personal space struggles
What’s important to understand is this:
Often, there is a moment before the behavior.
Nervous energy.
A buzzy feeling.
A shift in body language.
That moment matters more than the behavior itself.
Because that’s where skill-building begins.
The “Before” Is Where We Teach
For years, I focused on what happened after.
Redirect.
Correct.
Teach.
Repeat.
But I hadn’t been watching the “before.”
The pacing.
The nervous tone.
The odd requests.
The subtle agitation.
That restless feeling was the warning light.
When I started asking:
“Is your body feeling buzzy right now?”
Everything shifted.
Instead of:
“Why did you do that?”
We moved to:
“What is your body telling you?”
That question builds awareness instead of shame.
Relieved + Embarrassed Is a Good Sign
When my son admitted he wanted to go outside to do something he shouldn’t, he looked relieved.
Almost like he was glad someone noticed.
He also looked embarrassed.
That combination tells me:
- Understands it’s not okay
- He doesn’t like the urge.
- He doesn’t want to be “that kid.”
- Feels confused by his own body.y
Remorse matters.
It tells us there is awareness.
This tells us there is conscience.
It tells us this is an impulse-regulation issue—not a lack of empathy.
And that is workable.
Teaching the Pause: A Practical Strategy
We are now working on a simple pattern:
Urge → Pause → Safe Option
When I see the nervous energy building, I calmly ask:
“Is your body feeling buzzy?”
If yes, we redirect immediately to something safe and regulating:
- Push-ups or wall sits
- Carrying laundry or heavy objects
- Jumping jacks
- Cold water on the face
- A short bedroom reset (door closed)
- Sensory tools
We are not shaming.
We are coaching.
We’re building space between feeling and action.
That space is where regulation grows.
Why Supervision Isn’t Regression
Sometimes during puberty, supervision needs to increase again.
That is not failure.
It is scaffolding.
When impulse control is still developing, structure protects:
- Your child
- Other children
- Your family
- Your child’s future
Neurodivergent kids often need explicit teaching around:
- Private vs. public behavior
- Consent
- Personal space
- Safe ways to manage body changes
These are not conversations you have once.
They are ongoing.
And that’s okay.
What Parents Need to Hear
If you are navigating this season:
You are not raising a bad child.
You are raising a child whose brain develops unevenly.
Puberty makes the “go” system louder.
ADHD makes the pause weaker.
Autism makes social boundaries less intuitive.
But self-awareness is possible.
My son noticed the feeling.
That’s progress.
Sometimes the biggest victory isn’t stopping the behavior entirely.
It’s recognizing the moment before it begins.
And building from there.
Closing Encouragement
My son is kind.
He is caring.
He is loving.
Right now, he is also learning how to manage a body that feels louder than his self-control.
We are not perfect at this.
But we are building awareness.
And if you are in this season too, I hope you hear this clearly:
Impulse does not equal intent.
Remorse means there is hope.
And teaching the pause may be one of the most powerful tools you ever give your child.
